Frequently Asked Questions
*When was the FAQ last updated?
June 10, 2012
How can I get a Utilikilt*?
Shop our online store! You’re here already, right? Just click this (link) to start your journey into American-made utility kilts for everyday wear!
Call us! (206) 282-4226! You can talk to one of our clever, stylish, and witty sales minions who will gladly help get you out of your pants
Get your ass to one of our events! These take place all over the country, and they’re not only a great place to buy a Utilikilt*, but they’re also a chance to hang out with our field staff and drink beer
Get to a Utilikilts Company store! Here you can meet the guys you chat with on the phone, try on any number of kilts from our wide selection, and bow down to kiss the floor of your very own Mecca, conveniently located in either Seattle’s historic Pioneer Square or San Francisco’s Outer Mission
Head to one of our retailers! We’re stoked to now be able to present our wares at few select Authorized Dealers around the country
How many models do you make?
8. Eight. Ocho. Huit. Acht. They are not all currently available but to learn what we DO have in stock, have a look at our online store!
How do I figure out my Utilikilt* size?
Utilikilts range in size from 30 inch waists to 60 inch waists, and those are NOT pant sizes. “What’s the difference?” you might be asking right now… Well, to put it bluntly, the Pants Industry (gross!) has been lying to you for years. You may in fact be a size 37 in Levi’s, but that doesn’t mean that you are actually 37 inches around… industry sizing is largely unregulated and thus why the tyrannical Pants Industry is allowed to just make shit up.
Don’t ask us.
Utilikilts, on the other hand, uses an ACTUAL INCH MEASUREMENT system. This means that when you put that tape measure around your beltline, the ACTUAL INCH MEASUREMENT that you come up with is your Utilikilt* waist size, cut and dry. Sounds simple, right? Well, that’s because it is. But it’s also really important, your Utilikilt* won’t fit right if you don’t measure yourself according to our ACTUAL INCH MEASUREMENT system. Yes, we’re talking to you, Mr. Well-I’ve-Worn-Levi’s-For-30-Years-So-I’ll-Just-Go-With-That … save yourself the aggravation of a kilt that won’t fit (not to mention restocking and reshipping fees!!) and just take the few minutes required to measure for your Utilikilt* properly! You’ll be glad you did! **A pictorial guide to sizing can be found here**
What about the length of my Utilikilt*?
Again, following our handy sizing instructions will get you right where you want to be. Our standard length Utilikilts are 21.5″, 23″, and 24.5″. These lengths cover the vast majority of would-be Utilikilts wearers. If you find that you require a Utilikilt* either longer or shorter than the lengths offered in our online store, then please call us.
The kilt I want says it’s “temporarily unavailable” in the online store. When will you have more of my size in stock?
We get kilts–in a select range of sizes, models, and colours–from our manufacturers every Thursday evening. By Monday noon-ish, they’re up on the racks, and in our live inventory, so that’s the best time to check online or give a call to check availability, as it will be when we are at our fullest.
Why isn’t my size shown in your online store? It used to be there…
Utilikilts, of late, has changed scope of kilts that we keep at Headquarters. Mr. Utilikilts has determined that sizes 30-46 are considered POPULAR sizes (the sizes that the majority of our customers ask of us) and anything between 48-60 has been declared an UNPOPULAR size (the sizes that not so many homies need)… thus, we no longer keep UNPOPULAR sizes in stock. Will we still make you an UNPOPULAR sized kilt? Absolutely! But you need to call us first, to find out if we are currently taking orders for UNPOPULAR sizes and to hear of what you can expect for a turnaround time. Please note: ALL UNPOPULAR SIZES ARE NON-RETURNABLE, NON-EXCHANGEABLE, AND WILL BE CHARGED A “FAT BASTARD TAX”
What is the “FAT BASTARD TAX” and why are you so mean to me?
Kilts with waist sizes over 46 inches require more fabric and subsequently more labor time–a lot more labor time–to make. So, there’s an extra charge for the higher sizes. Additionally, we have a special Big Boy Ordering Procedure between mecca and the customer to insure that we get you sized right the very first time: we’ll send out a sizing kilt to try on before you place that non-refundable order. If you’re a Big Boy then you already know that life’s rough all over… the extra cost for Big Boy Kilts are the insurance we BOTH need to make sure we get it right the first time and nobody gets left holding the bag, capice?
Do you make a Utilikilt* for women?
Okay ladies, here’s a couple things you should know if you’re gonna try to get yourself into a Utilikilt*:
1) Our kilts are menswear. Made for men. We make no bones about it so there’s no point in getting huffy; you’re a cross-dresser. Deal.
2) Keeping in mind the aforementioned made-for-men-ness, know that sizing can get a little dicey. See, our kilts are cut like cylinders, for that’s how most men are built. You, babydoll, are not built like a cylinder. You have bangin’ curves. That is what makes sizing difficult. Not impossible, just difficult. Soooo…
The best possible thing you can do is to get to where the kilts are… our store, one of our retailers, or at an event. Once there, you can try on many different sizes to see which one best fits your individual body type. If you can’t get to any of those venues, give us a call at Headquarters (206) 282-4226 and you can have a chat with one of our highly informed salesdudes (or even better, a saleschick!) and we can walk you through the sizing and get you all sorted out.
How much do Utilikilts cost?
Utilikilts* start at $150. If you want a specific breakdown of cost by model, take a gander at the online store. It’s all there. Just don’t forget what you have learned about Utilikilts* so far: Any custom lengths or unpopular sizes will be a bit more expensive.
Will you make me a custom Utilikilt*?
Typically, no. They’re time consuming. They’re risky. They’re expensive. How expensive? They start at double full retail price. And you have to supply all the fabric (enough for at least two kilts and testing). Still interested? Plead your case to Mr. Utilikilts himself, you can reach him at email@example.com. He takes bribes. And as you scratch your head and wonder why we would turn away this sort of work…
Dig this scenario:
So its 1973, and you are finally ordering your retirement Cadillac from GM on the company. You want it tricked out, snakeskin dash, tiger stripe seats, special custom air conditioning of your own design. So you are also working with limited funds, you just spent 20 years kissing ass and finally you want to be somebody else’s pain in the ass so this car sounds like exactly what you’ve been looking for. How far down the GM production line do you think that this car will get before the entire assembly line becomes one gigantic clusterfuck? First you’ve got Julio in the interior department pulling out his hair wondering if the stitching is supposed to match with the tiger stripe? There are three colors? It could be white, orange or black, Julio was only tasked with installing the customer supplied interior fabric, but nobody said anything about the stitch color. Also, the fabric seems a bit weak, so Julio is going to double up the fabric and hope that will make it last longer, but there’s not enough fabric, does Julio go forward? So Duane, the department supervisor, has to get Julio’s questions to the sales rep to be answered by the customer. After all that, what Julio doesn’t foresee is that this particular fabric is actually going to gum up when being sewn by the super heavy duty double feed, industrially calibrated task specific machines. The chief sewer, Wiong, tells Julio that he will have to use a B33D-4 feed-dog, but there are none in an auto plant, so Wiong tells his nephew Kuah to go visit his sister-in–law at the kite sewing factory and get a feed-dog for him, but you see this factory celebrates Bladerunner day and is closed until Tuesday. Regardless, Wiong has already re-calibrated the machine by 15-23 degrees. Now he’s up shit creek too. Its now 5:00 and Duanne will have to learn about this progress Monday. Meanwhile, the snakeskin supplied for the dashboard is really greasy and stinks too. It sews alright but Cheech the Tuc & Roll guy is really angry about having to do this work because he works for an animal rights agency and the snakeskin supplied is actually listed on the endangered animals list. Cheech angrily continues anyway. Cheech spreads the fabric out onto his cutting table, but the snakeskin doesn’t even come close to matching the patterns. Cheech thinks Rico Suave is taking over his planet and killing all the animals, so Cheech walks out, but only after sabotaging all of the machines in his department. So this waits until Monday as well when his supervisor realizes that Cheech has quit and that they haven’t anybody to replace him. Meanwhile Helmut in the AC department struggles with installing the customers AC. Outside of this feature taking up twice the space as the factory unit, it is a 24 volt system and uses a positive ground. This AC installation will take up 35% more space on the dash and also the switches will have to be re-configured to accommodate it. “Let the Tuc & Roll department figure it out” thinks Helmut as he aggressively installs the unit.
So 15 weeks later, the car rolls off the factory floor. Nobody has tested options like these, the owner gets it, and low and behold the AC doesn’t work, and the switches jet into the side door and mirror mounts. Also, the tiger seat has ripped upon first use because the owner wears corduroy pants (loser) and weighs 465 lbs. Together those two factors destroy any fabric 11 ounces or less. Also the now-patchwork-snakeskin dash decides to shrink up in the heat of the sun on the way back home and ignites when bubbles drift onto the motorway from a preschool causing hypso maleic reaction as the proteins from the snakeskin bond with the pyrosultric molecules of the lurched be.
So unless you are Elvis Presley we really don’t want to take on customs. It’s really not worth it for us or you. The road to hell is paved with good intentions! We are doing this to protect you. We are focused on providing affordable utility kilts for everyday wear, and when the word custom arrives, the word affordable flies out the window. (There are costume makers and family members willing to make your custom gear for you, but please don’t ask “somebody you love” to make a kilt like we do. Trust us, the relationship should not be valued greater than the kilt desired. We’ve seen it go bad, very very bad: somebody’s wife or beautiful girlfriend gets converted into Rabid Sewing Psychobitch from Hell because there is no way that even an upholstery shop could have gotten the first attempt at a Utilikilt*.)
What about a Utilikilt* in my family tartan?
Family tartan? Sorry mate, not a chance, that’s not what we do. Our mathematical kilt design is not conducive to matching the plaid and really, if you’re looking for a traditional kilt in your family’s tartan, give your friendly local Scot kilt tailor a call; they do great work! Utilikilt’s objective is to provide something liberating yet practical to wear while you’re out there wreaking havoc on society.
Do you make kid kilts?
The answer to this one is a little muddled: YES, we have a small stock of Junior Utilikilts–size 25-29–available. Measuring for these smaller kilts is just like measuring for the adult versions, so grab your tape measures. But NO, we are not actively producing kid kilts… once these are gone, it may be a while before we have any again, as we redesign the patterns to be more efficient.
I just ordered my Utilikilt*!!! How soon ‘til it gets here???
If we have your size in stock (the online store will tell you if we do) it should take around 1-3 days to process the order and 5-7 days of transit time for your kilt to arrive at your door. If it is a kilt we are crafting especially for you, please remember that it can take up to 8 weeks for our production team to finish, plus the 5-7 days of transit time. Calling us every other day once you have ordered your kilt won’t change any of these delivery times, so bear that in mind as you obsessively grab the phone again. We love to chat it up with you when you do call, so ring as much as you would like, just don’t get pissy when the production schedule hasn’t changed since the last time you phoned.
I want to give this as a gift and can’t wait that long. What can you do?
First, send us an email. Or call. BEFORE you order! Seriously dude, please don’t send your order through then flip your lid on us because we couldn’t read your mind and didn’t have it there on time. When you communicate with us beforehand, we can see if we have the size you need in stock. Secondly, faster, but unfortunately more expensive, shipping can be used if you need your Utilikilt in a hurry. Let us know and we will do all we can to help. You can email us at firstname.lastname@example.org or call us at (206) 282-4226.
How do you ship?
UPS. They go everywhere. We no longer offer service through the Post Office, as they are slow, clumsy, inefficicent, and unprofessional. The incidence of package loss has become too high for us to consider this a part of doing business and we have cut our ties to USPS completely. When you enter in your shipping info at the time of purchase, we will require a physical home or business address. NO P.O. BOXES!!! If you ignore this and enter in a PO Box address anyway, your order will sit in the shipping office until we can make contact with you, and you may also be subject to an additional handling fee. These are bold words, we know, but do you wanna know how you can avoid any unpleasant delays/fees when ordering your Utilikilt*? Just provide us with a physical home or business office address when you order, and we’ll use UPS to get you your Utilikilt* quickly, safely, and securely.
What about locations outside of the US? What about taxes and duties?
UPS baby, they go everywhere! Please note that any taxes and/or duties on your order will not be included in your online total. UPS World Express will charge the package recipient all applicable duty, taxes and/or brokerage fees at time of delivery. Since we do not charge, or collect these taxes, they won’t be included in your online total. Nobody at Utilikilts is gonna know what you should expect in the way of duties, so please, if you are unsure about what you’ll be out of pocket, contact your local customs office for more information regarding these charges.
Why aren’t you vending at my favourite local event?
We know, we know: you all want to see us at your local highland games, Scottish and Irish festivals, leather events, street fairs, and beer parades. And, if it were physically and financially possible for us to be at each and every event, we might consider it (especially the beer parades). But it’s not. Packing up 300+ kilts, shipping them across the country, staffing the booth, sending a Utilikilts representative (and finding transportation and housing for said representative), paying for registration and booth spaces, these things and much more make it positively exhausting for us to do shows. Not to mention the sheer impracticality: many of them happen on the same weekends during the events season, which is primarily March through October, and as awesome as we are, we are still hindered by physics and the inability to be two or more places at the same time. So, we have to prioritize, and unfortunately for you, your tiny event held in Littletown USA is likely going to lose out to the huge event in a major city where we have a large pool of volunteers and a history of selling our asses off. That’s business, kids. Ain’t nothin’ personal.
That said, we review our events department frequently, and welcome your efforts in convincing us why your event should be on the roster for next year. Email your event suggestions to email@example.com and maybe you’ll see it on the calendar next season.
What is your policy on exchanges and repairs?
Please remember that ALL sales on ALL of our products are final; no cash refunds are given. However, we DO observe a full guarantee on all craftsmanship within 90 days of the purchase date and will either repair or replace the defective item at our discretion. We reserve the right to charge a repair fee (minimum of $10), a restocking fee (minimum $20), and a return shipment fee (minimum $15.75) if we determine that the issue is beyond normal wear and tear, beyond reasonable sizing or care issues, or beyond manufacturers’ defect. Additionally, we reserve the right to charge a laundering fee (minimum $20) if you send us a kilt to fix and the thing is f#$@ing gnarly. Gnarly, you say? Yeah, gnarly is: pet hair/dander, grime, body odor, cigarette smoke, mysterious and still sticky stains, wet, mildewy, or anything that requires us to crank up the washing machine. If you have any doubt of the kilt’s cleanliness just run it through the wash before you send it. Problem solved. Our seamstress thanks you in advance!
What is normal wear and tear?
After much deliberation and several whiskey sours, we were able to come up with some things you probably shouldn’t do to your kilt. In fact, consider this your Official Warning. Should you choose to ignore our advice, don’t pull similar shite and then ring Krash to complain, because he’ll probably just tell you “I told you so.” So here goes:
• your cat just had a litter of kittens in your left cargo pocket…
• you forgot to take the two boxes of Sharpies our of your cargo pockets before washing… • your girlfriend thought your kilt needed some rhinestones…
• the repairs you made yourself with dental floss start to fray…
• in a colossal case of misjudgment, you decide to wear your tie dyed Utilikilt* to Big Earl’s Tractor Pull in Jemison, Alabama, while wearing your FCUK BUSH t-shirt…
• you found your way into a bleach factory after hours and decided to have a quick game of Ultimate Frisbee…
• you were stupid enough to try and jump the burning embers of the Burning Man…
• you decided to hit on the cute girlfriend of the Shanghai Muay Thai Kickboxing Champion…
• you had freaky-deaky carnival sex in it and it is no longer right in the eyes of… Okay, really….Just don’t. He doesn’t want to hear that.
Ah now, wasn’t that fun? As a follow-up to our good cheer and abundant mirth, we’re gonna keep it reals for just a second:
Wear and tear? We recognize that this is a murky concept, but we try to keep it as honest as possible. That said, use some common sense when looking at what’s up with your kilt: if you got the thing yesterday and the stitching is coming loose, that’s a problem beyond normal wear and we’ll fix it right up. Best thing to do is accurately describe what the issue is when you call (pictures via email really help) and we’ll evaluate on a case-by-case basis. Just be legit and upfront when you phone us and we’ll reciprocate in kind!
Restocking fee? WTF??
Look: We go through a lot of trouble to make sure that you are ordering a kilt in the correct size THE FIRST TIME. We even went so far as to invent our own sizing system based on a standard method of measurement to eliminate ambiguity. Heck, we stop you not once but TWICE during the ordering process to give you pictorial instructions on proper sizing.
That said, it costs us time and money to set up your exchange, receive the kilt, put the kilt back through our rigorous quality control process, retag it, and put it back into inventory. That is what the restocking fee covers. You can ignore our sizing instructions if you want, but just know that no amount of pleading or string pulling will get you out of the restocking fee. Deal.
What about a non-warranty repair? My kilt is wounded and needs expert care!
We can help! After 90 days the customer pays for shipping to UK, repair fee, and then for shipping back. If you send us a dirty kilt, you can expect the laundering fee as well.
**Visit our returns page here for all of the details on how to get started with a repair/exchange. If you have any questions, call us! We’re here for you.
Where are the Spartans?
The Spartans are on hiatus: they’re incredibly difficult to make, and we’re having a helluva time finding seamstresses who can sew them correctly. We’re searching: we want to bring these back as badly as you want to wear them. Give us time (not much will happen until our disco season is over, at the very least). If you want to be one of the very first to hear about any Spartan news, send us your first and last name, phone number, and email address to firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll put you on our mailing list. This list will be the first place we publish any Spartan news, as soon as we have it.
Are you on the list already? Then STOP emailing us to ask! Answering repeated “any Spartan news yet?” emails is time consuming and keeps us from being able to actually do the work of getting these re-released. If you’re on the list, trust that this is the VERY FIRST PLACE we will announce any Spartan-related information, and just wait patiently. If you haven’t heard from us, it means there’s nothing to report…yet.
“Utilikilt*”?? What’s with the asterisk?
We’re just coverin’ our legal ass, man. Its complicated, like what “Xerox” and “Kleenex” went through. If our name was to go generic then we wouldn’t have much of a name now, would we? It’s a legality thing that’s better secured now than later. Come to think of it, if you come across someone that looks like they may be infringing on those rights, give us a holla at CeaseNDesist@utilikilts.com. That’s all, my main Daimie.
If you parked a bus in the jungle with the keys in the ignition, how long would it take for a bunch of monkeys to drive it away?
OK, we think the monkeys would have a chance. First, they’d probably spend a whole day flinging poo at each other. Then they could get to the business of driving the bus. However, if the key-chain in the ignition had other keys on it- especially shiny ones, they would probably be taken out and held as rare fortune and end up with the Ferengi Monkey Clan. If the key was alone in the ignition, monkeys might at first overlook it and go back to flinging poo, so it might be a matter of days before a monkey would figure to turn the key. Now by this time the bus would be in gear, and there would be monkey feces on the driver’s seat. Ummm… the battery would be dead as would the lights, windshield wipers and radio, so the answer is “a while”…..and the monkeys wouldn’t get far. The white trash monkey tribe would then park the sucker out and use it as a shooting target in preparation for the coming of the Primate Revolution “Death to the Big-Brained ruling Regime!”
Utilikilt* Safety tips… Because We Care:
• *Safety Tip: No matter how much Robitussin you drink, Utilikilts* cannot be made from Fruit Roll-Ups, nor should this be attempted.
• * Safety Tip: When dodging rubber bullets at the protest, be sure to hold your kilt down, as you would in a strong wind.
• * Safety Tip: When dancing drunk at your wife’s company picnic, resist the urge to lift your kilt above your chest.
• * Safety Tip: When the Airport Security man at JFK International pats you down, refrain from mentioning your many “secret pockets”.
• * Safety Tip: Puffy-sleeved shirts are not recommended with any Utilikilt*, and could lead to other fashion accidents.
• * Safety Tip: “Acid Washed” does not refer to real acid.
• * Safety Tip: Leaf-blower duels while wearing your Utilikilt* and your “SUBMIT” t-shirt in front of the Michigan Womyns Festival are not encouraged.
• * Safety Tip: Reenacting “The Life and Death of a Fish is the Super Bass-O-Matic 2000? at the Farm and Home Show in Kansas City, will not only ruin your kilt, but may also induce motion sickness.
• * Safety Tip: Breeding rattlesnakes is a Bad Idea, regardless of attire.
A few other musings…
–If you’re not sure about something, call. If you have questions, call. Please don’t assume anything, it may end up costing you money! We’re not mind-readers, we don’t know what your angle might be, but we DO love to talk with the masses over the phone, so give us a ring if you are unsure about sizing, models, shipping, and so on… we will gladly sort you out!