A few other musings…
Shop our online store! You’re here already, right? Just click this link to start your journey into American-made utility kilts for everyday wear!
Call us! (206) 282-4226! You can talk to one of our clever, stylish, and witty sales minions who will get you out of your pants.
Get your ass to one of our events! These take place all over the country, and they’re not only a great place to buy a Utilikilt*, but they’re also a chance to hang out with our field staff.
Get to our Utilikilts Company Flagship Store! Here you can meet the guys and babes you chat with on the phone, try on any number of kilts from our wide selection (many vintage, one-off, and super special maybe even discontinued models), and bow down to kiss the floor of your very own Mecca, conveniently located in Seattle’s historic Pioneer Square.
Utilikilts offers a total of 6 different models
Special Offerings or Limited Run Offerings:
TLDR: ORDER THE SAME SIZE AS YOUR PANTS. If you're a 34 in Levis, you'll be a 34 in Utilikilts. Done.
If you haven't put on a pair pants since 2004 and have been living under a rock since 2015, first of all: Welcome back!
We did away with the “Honest Inch” System awhile ago. Cool as it was, 95% of all returns were due to sizing issues. After the advent of the Switchback, our adjustability feature--made with Military Grade 2" Velcro combined with a flexible shock cord 'asset' (like a corset for your ass)--Utilikilts are now sized within a range of inches, up to 15% of the waistband measurement so now you can wear it out before you grow out of it.
Still not clear? Wrap a tape around your beltline where you plan to wear your kilt. No, not a metal tape measure, Silly. A seamstress tape. What's it say? Put that number in the middle of one of the size ranges below.
Sizes 2X & 3X
We make three standard lengths.
TLDR: Taller than 6'4"? you're a 24.5... Shorter than 5'10"? You're a 21.5...Everyone else? 23". Done.
|65" up to 70"||21.5"|
|70" up to 74"||23"|
|74" up to 78"||24.5"|
If you are all torso walking on a pair of stumpy legs or the inverse of that, following our handy sizing instructions will get you right where you want to be. The best way to find your fit is by kneeling and measuring your side, from the top of your pants to the floor (like this). Don't bend your torso while measuring, it skews the reading. You'll need something stiff (a yardstick, you pervert!), a mirror, or the help of a friend. The waistband should sit on your hips where your pants normally ride. The hem should rest between the bottom and center of the kneecap.
Long story short, No.
Now to the long story...
They’re time consuming. They’re risky. They’re expensive. How expensive? They start at double full retail price. And you have to supply all the fabric (enough for at least two kilts and testing). Still interested? Plead your case to Mr. Utilikilts himself, you can reach him at email@example.com. He takes bribes. And as you scratch your head and wonder why we would turn away this sort of work…
Dig this scenario:
So it's 1973, and you are finally ordering your retirement Cadillac from GM on the company. You want it tricked out — snakeskin dash, tiger stripe seats, special custom air conditioning of your own design. You are also working with limited funds, you just spent 20 years kissing ass, and you want to finally be somebody else’s pain in the ass, so this car sounds like exactly what you’ve been looking for. How far down the GM production line do you think that this car will get before the entire assembly line becomes one gigantic clusterfuck?
First you’ve got Julio in the interior department pulling out his hair wondering if the stitching is supposed to match with the tiger stripe. There are three colors? It could be white, orange or black, Julio was only tasked with installing the customer supplied interior fabric, but nobody said anything about the stitch color. Also, the fabric seems a bit weak, so Julio is going to double up the fabric and hope that will make it last longer, but there’s not enough fabric, does Julio go forward? So Duane, the department supervisor, has to get Julio’s questions to the sales rep to be answered by the customer.
After all that, what Julio doesn’t foresee is that this particular fabric is going to gum up when being sewn by the super-heavy-duty, double feed, industrially-calibrated, task-specific machines. The chief sewer, Wiong, tells Julio that he will have to use a B33D-4 feed-dog, but there are none in an auto plant, so Wiong tells his nephew Kuah to go visit his sister-in-law at the kite sewing factory and get a feed-dog for him, but you see this factory celebrates Bladerunner day and is closed until Tuesday. Regardless, Wiong has already re-calibrated the machine by 15-23 degrees. Now he’s up shit creek too. Its now 5:00 and Duane will have to learn about this progress Monday.
Meanwhile, the snakeskin supplied for the dashboard is really greasy, and stinks too. It sews alright, but Cheech, the Tuc & Roll guy, is really angry about having to do this work because he works for an animal rights agency, and the snakeskin supplied is listed on the endangered animals list. Cheech angrily continues anyway. Cheech spreads the fabric out onto his cutting table, but the snakeskin doesn’t even come close to matching the patterns. Cheech thinks Rico Suave is taking over his planet and killing all the animals, so Cheech walks out, but only after sabotaging all of the machines in his department. So this waits until Monday as well, when his supervisor realizes that Cheech has quit and that they haven’t anybody to replace him.
Meanwhile, Helmut in the AC department struggles with installing the customer's AC. Outside of this feature taking up twice the space as the factory unit, it is a 24 volt system and uses a positive ground. This AC installation will take up 35% more space on the dash, and the switches will have to be re-configured to accommodate it. “Let the Tuc & Roll department figure it out,” thinks Helmut as he aggressively installs the unit.
So 15 weeks later, the car rolls off the factory floor. Nobody has tested options like these, so the owner gets it and lo and behold, the AC doesn’t work, and the switches jet into the side door and mirror mounts. Also, the tiger seat has ripped upon first use because the owner wears corduroy pants (loser) and weighs 465 lbs. Together, those two factors destroy any fabric 11 ounces or less. Also the now-patchwork-snakeskin dash decides to shrink up in the heat of the sun on the way back home, and ignites when bubbles drift onto the motorway from a preschool causing hypso maleic reaction as the proteins from the snakeskin bond with the pyrosultric molecules of the lurched be.
So unless you are Elvis Presley we really don’t want to take on customs. It’s really not worth it for us or you. The road to hell is paved with good intentions! We are doing this to protect you. We are focused on providing affordable utility kilts for everyday wear, and when the word custom arrives, the word affordable flies out the window. (There are costume makers and family members willing to make your custom gear for you, but please don’t ask “somebody you love” to make a kilt like we do. Trust us, the relationship should not be valued greater than the kilt desired. We’ve seen it go bad, very very bad: somebody’s wife or beautiful girlfriend gets converted into Rabid Sewing Psychobitch from Hell because there is no way that even an upholstery shop could have gotten the first attempt at a Utilikilt*.)
Family tartan? Sorry mate, not a chance, that’s not what we do. Our mathematical kilt design is not conducive to matching the plaid and really, if you’re looking for a traditional kilt in your family’s tartan, give your friendly local Scot kilt tailor a call; they do great work! Utilikilt’s objective is to provide something liberating yet practical to wear while you’re out there wreaking havoc on society.
We do not do any sort of alterations. No taking in or out kilts. No changes in size. No custom embroidery. Nada. Length chops and basic repairs: these are all we do. If you’ve lost or gained weight, and your kilt no longer fits, we suggest selling your debunked kilt on ebay or trade it in.
If we have your size in stock (call or e-mail the store to check today!) it should take around 1-3 days to process the order and 5-7 days of transit time for your kilt to arrive at your door.
If it is a kilt we are crafting especially for you, please remember that it can take up to 12 weeks for our production team to finish, plus the 5-7 days of transit time. Calling us every other day once you have ordered your kilt won’t change any of these delivery times, so bear that in mind as you obsessively grab the phone again. We love to chat it up with you when you do call, so ring as much as you would like, just don’t get pissy when the production schedule hasn’t changed since the last time you phoned.
First, send us an email. Or call. BEFORE you order!
Seriously, please don’t send your order through then flip your lid on us because we couldn’t read your mind and didn’t have it there on time. When you communicate with us beforehand, we can see if we have the size you need in stock. Secondly, faster, but unfortunately more expensive, shipping can be used if you need your Utilikilt in a hurry. Let us know and we will do all we can to help. You can email us at firstname.lastname@example.org or call us at (206) 282-4226.
UPS and UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE (USPS). We ship everywhere in the MAINLAND US with UPS GROUND, shipping can take anywhere between 2-7 days. ALASKA and HAWAII, we love you but USPS is quicker and safer. If you have a P.O. BOX we will automatically ship with USPS. At this time USPS is also our only international shipping method, if you would like to have your item shipped from us with UPS please contact our team at email@example.com
UPS baby, they go everywhere! Please note that any taxes and/or duties on your order will not be included in your online total. UPS World Express will charge the package recipient all applicable duty, taxes and/or brokerage fees at time of delivery. Since we do not charge, or collect these taxes, they won’t be included in your online total. Nobody at Utilikilts is gonna know what you should expect in the way of duties, so please, if you are unsure about what you’ll be out of pocket, contact your local customs office for more information regarding these charges.
If you ordered a kilt or belt and it's the wrong size, let us know and we will work with you to exchange the product. We DO observe a full guarantee on all craftsmanship within 90 days of the purchase date and will either repair or replace the defective item at our discretion. We reserve the right to charge a repair fee (minimum of $20), a restocking fee (minimum $35 after 90 days), and a return/send back shipment fee (minimum $30 Roundtrip) if we determine that the issue is beyond normal wear and tear, beyond reasonable sizing or care issues, or beyond manufacturers’ defect.
Additionally, we reserve the right to charge a laundering fee (an insulting $50: don’t send us dirty kilts, dammit! Seriously, it’s not cool) if the kilt sent to us is f#$@ing gnarly. Gnarly, you say? Yeah, gnarly is: pet hair/dander, grime, body odor, cigarette smoke, mysterious and still sticky stains, wet, mildewy, or anything that requires us to crank up the washing machine. If you have any doubt of the kilt’s cleanliness just run it through the wash before you send it. Problem solved. Our seamstress thanks you in advance!
To begin the return process, please send an email with your NAME, TELEPHONE NUMBER, MAILING ADDRESS, & A DESCRIPTION OF THE ISSUE/PROBLEM YOU ARE EXPERIENCING WITH YOUR UTILIKILT* to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Submit info, grab a beer, & wait patiently for our RMA department to contact you. Oh yeah, one more thing...if we don't get back to you right away, hang tight. We rock these on a first-come/first-served basis. It may take some time (think: a couple of days possibly) to get back to your spot in the pecking order.
You will receive an email from our RMA department with an RMA number included. Pack up your kilt and send it to our RMA department WITH THE RMA # WRITTEN ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE BOX (we recommend using UPS or the good ole USPS for tracking purposes). You MUST put the RETURN NUMBER on the outside of the box, or we will refuse shipping.
Once we have received your kilt, we can complete your RMA with the appropriate actions. If we have any questions or need any further information, we will contact you.
After much deliberation and several whiskey sours, we were able to come up with some things you probably shouldn’t do to your kilt. In fact, consider this your Official Warning. Should you choose to ignore our advice, don’t pull similar shite and then ring Krash to complain, because he’ll probably just tell you “I told you so.” So here goes:
your cat just had a litter of kittens in your left cargo pocket…
you forgot to take the two boxes of Sharpies out of your cargo pockets before washing…
your girlfriend thought your kilt needed some rhinestones…
the repairs you made yourself with dental floss start to fray…
in a colossal case of misjudgment, you decide to wear your tie-dyed Utilikilt* to Big Earl’s Tractor Pull in Jemison, Alabama, while wearing your FCUK BUSH t-shirt…
you found your way into a bleach factory after-hours and decided to have a quick game of Ultimate Frisbee…
you were stupid enough to try and jump the burning embers of the Burning Man…
you decided to hit on the cute girlfriend of the Shanghai Muay Thai Kickboxing Champion…
you had freaky-deaky carnival sex in it, and it is no longer right in the eyes of… Okay, really…. Just don’t. He doesn’t want to hear that.
Wear and tear? We recognize that this is a murky concept, but we try to keep it as honest as possible. That said, use some common sense when looking at what’s up with your kilt: if you got the thing yesterday and the stitching is coming loose, that’s a problem beyond normal wear and we’ll fix it right up. Best thing to do is accurately describe what the issue is when you call (pictures via email really help) and we’ll evaluate on a case-by-case basis. Just be legit and upfront when you phone us and we’ll reciprocate in kind!
Look: We go through a lot of trouble to make sure that you are ordering a kilt in the correct size THE FIRST TIME.
That said, it costs us time and money to set up your exchange, receive the kilt, put the kilt back through our rigorous quality control process, retag it, and put it back into inventory. That is what the restocking fee covers. You can ignore our sizing instructions if you want, but just know that no amount of pleading or string pulling will get you out of the restocking fee. Deal.
We can help! After 90 days the customer pays for shipping to UK, repair fee, and then for shipping back. If you send us a dirty kilt, you can expect the laundering fee as well.
If you have any questions, call us! We’re here for you.
We know, we know: you all want to see us at your local highland games, Scottish and Irish festivals, leather events, street fairs, and beer parades. And, if it were physically and financially possible for us to be at each and every event, we might consider it (especially the beer parades). But it’s not. Packing up 300+ kilts, shipping them across the country, staffing the booth, sending a Utilikilts representative (and finding transportation and housing for said representative), paying for registration and booth spaces – these things and much more make it positively exhausting for us to do shows. Not to mention the sheer impracticality: many of them happen on the same weekends during the events season, which is primarily March through October, and as awesome as we are, we are still hindered by physics and the inability to be two or more places at the same time. So, we have to prioritize, and unfortunately for you, your tiny event held in Littletown USA is likely going to lose out to the huge event in a major city where we have a large pool of volunteers and a history of selling our asses off. That’s business, kids. Ain’t nothin’ personal.
That said, we review our events department frequently, and welcome your efforts in convincing us why your event should be on the roster for next year. Email your event suggestions to email@example.com and maybe you’ll see it on the calendar next season.
We’re just coverin’ our legal ass, man. Its complicated, like what “Xerox” and “Kleenex” went through. If our name was to go generic then we wouldn’t have much of a name now, would we? It’s a legality thing that’s better secured now than later. Come to think of it, if you come across someone that looks like they may be infringing on those rights, give us a holla at firstname.lastname@example.org. That’s all, my main Daimie.
OK, we think the monkeys would have a chance. First, they’d probably spend a whole day flinging poo at each other. Then they could get to the business of driving the bus. However, if the key-chain in the ignition had other keys on it &ndash especially shiny ones &ndash they would probably be taken out and held as rare fortune, and end up with the Ferengi Monkey Clan. If the key was alone in the ignition, monkeys might at first overlook it and go back to flinging poo, so it might be a matter of days before a monkey would figure to turn the key. Now, by this time the bus would be in gear, and there would be monkey feces on the driver’s seat. Ummm… the battery would be dead as would the lights, windshield wipers, and radio, so the answer is “a while”…..and the monkeys wouldn’t get far. The white trash monkey tribe would then park the sucker out and use it as a shooting target in preparation for the coming of the Primate Revolution “Death to the Big-Brained Regime!”
Safety Tip: No matter how much Robitussin you drink, Utilikilts* cannot be made from Fruit Roll-Ups, nor should this be attempted.
Safety Tip: When dodging rubber bullets at the protest, be sure to hold your kilt down, as you would in a strong wind.
Safety Tip: When dancing drunk at your wife’s company picnic, resist the urge to lift your kilt above your chest.
Safety Tip: When the Airport Security man at JFK International pats you down, refrain from mentioning your many “secret pockets”.
Safety Tip: Puffy-sleeved shirts are not recommended with any Utilikilt*, and could lead to other fashion accidents.
Safety Tip: “Acid Washed” does not refer to real acid.
Safety Tip: Leaf-blower duels while wearing your Utilikilt* and your “SUBMIT” t-shirt in front of the Michigan Womyns Festival are not encouraged.
Safety Tip: Reenacting “The Life and Death of a Fish“ in the Super Bass-O-Matic 2000 at the Farm and Home Show in Kansas City will not only ruin your kilt, but may also induce motion sickness.
Safety Tip: Breeding rattlesnakes is a bad idea, regardless of attire.
Jesus wore a skirt back in the day. So what would Jesus do in today ? Just sayin.
Because if women had an appendage hanging between their legs we guarantee you they wouldn’t be wearing pants.
Insurance from gettin caught with your pants down.
Left side or right side is no birthright.
A word about the pockets: Unlike pants, the Utilikilt’s pockets are only sewn down on top, so that they move with the garment but not with your leg. No more bulky crap contorting the shape of your leg. The Workman’s can carry an entire six pack. You don’t have to wear your cell phone on your belt. With the Workman’s kilt, you don’t need a tool belt (for lighter stuff.)
The Utilikilt is made in the USA . You are supporting local industry. Your mojo will thank you.
Easy access …
Physical: Your virility may increase. You will experience the pleasing sensation of air conditioning.
Mental: Wearing a kilt shows a sense of security with yourself, and you will inspire much debate in others.
Spiritual: Without physical constrictions, your burden will be lighter, your sense of freedom less impaired, and your sense of yourself will have room to grow.
A few other musings…
If you’re not sure about something, call. If you have questions, call. Please don’t assume anything, it may end up costing you money! We’re not mind-readers, we don’t know what your angle might be, but we DO love to talk with the masses over the phone, so give us a ring if you are unsure about sizing, models, shipping, and so on… we will gladly sort you out!